Addressing Spouse Objections to Surrogacy

What were the concerns?

I researched surrogacy for a long time, but that doesn’t mean my research was going to be how things happened. We went through different scenarios including our hopes and fears for the process:

-Time away from the home and traveling

-Concern for my health

-Body autonomy

-Concern about needing a c-section - even though I never had trouble with labor, we wondered with the child not being our genetics we didn’t know what to expect.

-Concern about who would be allowed in the delivery room

-Medications and doing my own injections

How did you resolve those concerns?

-I ended up traveling alone for all appointments, but I ensured the hotel and locations had video capabilities, as well as kept him in the loop during all appointments – we also discussed the agency offering rides to the airport, hotel, and doctor’s office.

-I committed to consistently exercising through the journey besides doctors’ recommendations for bedrest as needed to keep my body as healthy as possible.

-During the match meeting and contract stages, bodily autonomy is addressed. Fortunately, the Agency’s priority is to make sure we match these topics, and everything was very similar!

-Children are born via c-section every day, becoming educated on that process helped ease our concerns.

-We put a clause in the initial contract that my husband has priority in the delivery room. By this time the IPs and I were comfortable with each other, and they respected my modesty when requested.

-The medication concern was not truly resolved prior to the start of meds, but I will say it was difficult for me only because my side effect was it exhausted me, luckily naps were an option! I did all injections myself (of course the first one I was extremely nervous) and honestly, it’s a very short period that you must do them.

Concerns for another journey:

-My past medication caused complete exhaustion for the first 12-14 weeks- with this we planned accordingly to be on meds and transfer while my kids were in school, and I was able to match their bedtime routine

-Lumps from medication injection sites: solution- Doctor approved massages, I went 2x a month to a prenatal massage therapist (That I paid from my monthly non-accountable allowance), I also had multiple bean heating pads and electric heating pad, and my spouse did help massage as well.

-I highly recommend asking for the IPs embryo and fertility clinic information (how many? Quality? Where are they? Success rates of the clinic?) prior to match.

What are the pros and cons

Pros of being a surrogate:

-Helping create or grow a family, expenses completely covered, after delivering the baby it was very easy to get 8+ hours of sleep and rest!

Cons of being a surrogate:

-IVF meds did exhaust me, so naps were a must!

Neutral feelings as a surrogate:

-It was difficult finding my comfortable spot of communication with the Intended Parents, they were a heteronormative couple, and I was cautious of their feelings since they had tried for years and had a rocky past with trying to start their family. It was a huge learning experience for me and I cherish the time I had with them and carrying their child.

Who else is involved, support system

During the pregnancy as a surrogate, there was not much additional involvement from friends or family outside of my husband. The only time I needed to reach out for support was going to doctors’ appointments and the day of delivery! I did plan my appointments to be the latest of the day, so my husband was usually home from work in time and if not, I had friends for back up.

How involved was he in the process – outside of the required items

My husband had no real interest in communicating with the IPs at any point besides his friendly "Hello". In meeting the IPs, I did address that he prefers to be my support person and know them more as acquaintances. He said his job was to take care of me and make sure my needs are met throughout the journey.

How did he feel about it once the journey was over, and baby was born

Being in the delivery room for our first journey, he explained the difference of how our baby’s delivery process was so different - since he was so focused on our children, this time he was focused on me and amazed at the stuff he missed that happened while being with our child. Delivering as a surrogate, he was much more appreciative of what I went through!

What happened when you brought up when wanting to be a surrogate again

My spouse was concerned about the timing of things and the emotional toll it can take. Knowing the process does make the decision easier, but there is still a lot to consider since the journey can have an impact on everyone in your household. I spent less time with my family since I was so tired and needed a lot of naps. My husband had to step up and fill in the gaps. It’s a sacrifice for our entire family, still worth it but something you should consider as a family. As far as timing goes, some IVF clinics may approve transfers withing 6-9 months after delivery. I wanted to wait until at least one year before attempting a transfer again and highly recommend giving your body ample time to heal physically and to have any medication injection sites to be back to normal.