You finally took the scary plunge and told the world that you will need to use a surrogate to grow your family. Soon after, a family friend reached out and stated that she would love to carry for you. You love her heart, but maybe you don’t feel comfortable with her offer. How do you tell her no?

First off, tell her thank you’ll. Even if you don’t want to utilize her specifically as your gestational carrier, thank her for having a huge and giving heart and for being willing to make such a generous offer to you.

Once you have thanked her, analyze why you don’t want her to be your surrogate and have an honest conversation (or, pick some of the below ideas, even if they aren’t the entire truth) as she may not have fully thought through what all surrogacy entails.

• You don’t want to jeopardize your relationship with each other – This one can be hard to explain when someone has offered such an amazing and generous gift. Surrogacy comes with a lot of anxiety and fears and sometimes the mental health load can be too much. Many times, independent matches skip out on using an agency, so they also don’t have a third party to vent any steam to during the process, this can lead to a strain on even the strongest relationships in the long term. 

• She doesn’t meet the requirements – It can be truly difficult to discuss some of these items.  So many people with generous hearts simply aren’t eligible to be surrogates. Most clinics utilize qualification guidelines set out by ASRM (American Society for Reproductive Medicine). A quick overview of the most basic requirements can be found here. Some requirements can be changed over time, such as BMI or current dependence on government aid, so it’s absolutely possible she could be a candidate at a later time, but many are permanent disqualifications to moving forward.

• She doesn’t have enough knowledge of the surrogacy process – Often times a person will volunteer to be a surrogate without doing any research or after reading or seeing a fictionalized account of it (Phoebe from “Friends”, or “Baby Mama”, anyone?). The reality of surrogacy is FAR different. There are countless medical appointments, many with little notice, uncomfortable medications that need to be taken with precise timings (some are shots or suppositories – so not much fun!), legal requirements, and sometimes uncomfortable conversations. Of course, this objection can be overcome with time and education if you truly want to work through it together.

• You don’t want your surrogate to be part of your everyday life after the baby is born – Many intended parents want that little bit of separation after the birth. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to stay in touch with their gestational carrier later, it could just be that the new parents would like to have a bit more control surrounding the narrative of their child’s birth - instead of having to awkwardly re-explain over and over to people in public about their child’s birth.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting this level of separation!

• You would worry about the baby *more* if you saw your surrogate every day – Utilizing a gestational carrier can bring up a lot of feelings of anxiety. It can be easier to compartmentalize those fears if the intended parent doesn’t see the person carrying every day or all over town. Of course, the opposite could be true and as a parent you could *want* to see your gestational carrier every day! 

  It could be that none of these things are true and your friend or family member’s offer would be amazing for you. Or it could be that she just needs a little education – or a little motivation to get her BMI within guidelines. If any of your objections could be overcome with the help of a third party, look into surrogacy advisors or agencies that provide services for self-matched parties.  If you’d like to talk to us about all this and more, explore our Concierge Services for self matched people or make a free consultation appointment to talk through the process.

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